louder than ever

today's title comes from the song of the same name by cold war kids.

this week's itunes free music downloads were a mixed bag. i'm a big fan of the spanish song of the week

but they're also offering what looks like a free copy of blue suede shoes. beware, though. beware. it's this horrible, remixed thing. who would remix elvis?

sometimes i feel like two different people. hermit rachel and college rachel don't even seem to belong to the same species, let alone the same person. that's how bad it is - i'm referring to myself in the third person. how obnoxious is that?

i can't explain it properly, but i feel like i should try since this blog really has come to replace my diary lately. well, this blog and my ical. everything seems to be in there. see?

back to me being whiny and self indulgent...

i don't like change. at all. and it keeps coming home to me that who we are now isn't who we've been (isn't who we'll be). all of the plans i had for myself are slowly unraveling and being replaced by new ones. the new plans aren't necessarily bad. but...they're different. i actually considered becoming a pre-med major. me! to be fair, biology and stats are actually my highest grades right now (who would've thought that'd happen?) and i was being unfairly influenced by one-too-many "save the children!" documentaries in my global issues class.

still. it's change. changes everywhere. leaves and classes and people. oh, people. oldest and dearest friends of mine, why must you keep changing on me? some of you have been throwing me for a loop lately. i think i might be doing the same thing to some of you.

where i see myself in ten years is changing, too. i never realized this before, but (soccer ogling aside), i'm a little terrified of actual relationships. blame the momster and husband number one (and their various, numbered spouses) for that, i guess. i don't know. the thought of getting married before i'm, like, forty is vaguely horrifying to me. i want...the world, i guess. to see everything and do everything and date a couple dozen people just in case (who knows - the multiple marriage thing could be genetic) and just...be. i want to die knowing i've experienced life.

i want to die with the ability to stop going on quasi-philosophical rants in the middle of the night. 


i feel so unsettled, mentally. if i was home right now, this would be the time i did something reckless. started one of those mini-adventures that usually leads to one (or all) of you commenting with some variation of "oh, rachel" or "not again" or "you crazy bitch". which...fair enough, i suppose. the hall-es here seem dedicated to keeping me in line, though, since i've already been told to wrap this up and go to bed, to finish my paper tomorrow (but not put it off later than that), and to stop eating fun dip at 1:45 in the morning. i can't help it. i like it when my tongue is blue.

also, i lied. i totally lied. i know exactly what brought this post on. someone i was friends with in elementary school got engaged. engaged. and pregnant, which - go figure. but but but. we used to share wonderballs and those weird little cookies that you dunked in frosting at recess. how is this even possible? i might be panicking slightly. also, how does one even go about responding to that wedding invitation? is there a polite way to say "no, thank you, i prefer not to freak myself out any further watching you and your idiot groom who's even uglier than he was back in the day get hitched next weekend"? i didn't think so. 


i'm done being crazed and rambly for the night. the momster is coming for our weekly mother-daughter bonding session tomorrow, so i'll probably rant to her, too. and isn't it strange how i actually look forward to that now? i used to hate it. now it's like one of the only normal things left in my life. also, starbucks better name a drink after me by the time i graduate. i swear, there are days where i think my family keeps them in business. well, the northern virginia and frederick ones, at least.

random story of the day: in my chaucer class (filled almost entirely with english majors as it's a 395), neither my professor nor any of my classmates could remember what galileo was famous for. one person suggested that it was for discovering that the earth was round. another said he did "something wonky" with gravity (tangentially, isn't wonky a fun word? i think i'll start using it). at long last, one of the lone science people (bio major, to be specific) finally set everyone straight. this is the same class full of people who got into an in-depth discussion on robespierre, dante, and ezra pound. oh, english majors. i love you all.