typical germans

since my next friday is booked up by (possibly) the last jeni-meggo-rachel-steffi sleepover ever for the summer, the other parent and i decided to make yesterday a double feature friday. we went to see inception and salt. the former was so good that we watched it twice, while the latter...meh. angelina jolie looks ridiculously pretty in it but the ending was horrible. my official verdict? don't see it.

double feature friday ended up turning into movie marathon weekend. we watched a night at the roxbury (my favorite will ferrel film ever), wild hogs, and then - because i made him - bend it like beckham. that last one turned into a pretty fun drinking game - whenever one of the characters reminds you of the momster, drink. er, on second thought, maybe that's only a fun game for us. not that i'm condoning underage drinking in anyway. but if i was, i put my vote down for mike's hard lemonade, i finally tried it and it's awesome and gee, i guess this is why the bloggle is no longer linked from the facebook.

after that, we embarked on part 3490325 of rachel's college shopping extravaganza. when i'm finally done with it i'll post some of my favorite purchases. well, if i haven't died of exhaustion first. shopping is hard work...or it normally is.

after we did all our real shopping, we decided to pop into a tj maxx and see what kind of crazy stuff we could find. discount stores have the randomest, most amazing things sometimes.

like this:

and this:

they're doggy hair products! isn't that wonderful?

and, best of all, this:

don't worry, i made him buy it. if only they'd had one in my size, too. it was only six dollars!

there's one thing i saw today that i won't get for another twenty to thirty years, though:

oh, if only i had a record player.

pretty much every fifteen seconds

which is how often i'm going to blog. well, not really. but i'll be making an effort to blog more. it's hard, though, since my life has been so incredibly boring lately. seriously, all i do is shop and read and drive and get into accidents and listen to music and read. it's all so terribly tragic, i don't even know how to begin my lamentations.

...alternatively, today's title comes from worried about by lissie. i'd post it but it isn't on youtube. if you really want to hear it (and you should - she's awesome) comment or email me.

i'm home from my day of slavery work with the momster. it was horrifically boring. i basically spent all my time texting people and googling things for her. oh, and then we did an open house for some of her clients. in case you're unfamiliar with real estate open houses, they basically entail sitting around looking pretty and making awkward small talk with the spouses/children/parents of the potential buyer while the momster talks about things like contracts and mortgages and interest rates to the important people. and, yes, that was a real definition.

my day wasn't all bad, though. i've had a grand total of three frappuccinos, two mochas, and three cups of bold blend coffee today. i'm just so happy about that, you don't even know. if only everyone could have this much caffeine. sometimes i feel like starting a nonprofit organization devoted to just that - sharing the wonders of coffee with the masses. who's in?

oh, and in honor of liverpool winning their europa league qualifier today, here's something from one of their players/champion twitter twatters.

and i know what you're thinking: ew, why is there dutch rap on your blog? well, besides the obvious answer (ryan babel is hilarious and his shenanigans bring me great joy in life) there's the fact of it being...really ridiculously catchy. i've had this on my ipod since march. it's just so earwormy.

i tried something new today, too. do any of your momsters ever tell you to put egg in your hair to make it shiny/thick/less prone to frizzing up like a poodle in july? no? well, mine does. and since my hair was looking extra dry and unfortunate today thanks to all that wonderful humidity, i decided to finally give it a try.

...and it worked. i scrambled up an egg, used an old brush to work it through my hair, washed it out in the shower (that's right - i'm clean. rejoice), and carried on with my usual shampoo/conditioner routine. and when it had all dried - i've been going with the air-dry route lately. i figure it's time for me to embrace the curl - it was actually shiny. and soft. and swishy swooshy.

okay, so that last one wasn't actually an adjective. whatever. swishy swooshy is clearly one of those universal qualities that everyone can recognize. like gumption. or oomph.

besides, if sarah palin can invent words, so can i.

oh, and here's a few more links. don't judge me. i had to spend a lot of time on the internet today. it was horrible.

s-la's already seen this one, but for the rest of you:

oh, and as background, manchester city was a middle of the table team that suddenly hit it big with a billionaire oil sheik buying the club and giving them more or less unlimited funds to buy players. which they've been using... a lot. to the point where signing jesus? wouldn't be all that surprising. except in this case it would be this jesus:

google's related search suggestion? jesus navas eyes

and not the one you were thinking of.

the best goal celebration of all time:

and a song that's been stuck in my head lately:

mountains beyond mountains

today's title comes from sprawl II by arcade fire. that's right - i'm still listening to their new album. lissie's, too, actually. the momster does not approve - apparently hearing them makes her feel like she's in some sort of southern hippie camp. here, listen for yourself:

and arcade fire:

so not hippie-like, right? that's what i said. i think she's just trying to disagree with me on principle, now. for one thing, every time we go dorm-shopping she starts getting teary or ranty or weird. oh, and she's forcing me into slave labor - i'm actually writing this post from her office...where she's forcing me to work for her to pay off the cost of fixing that stupid dent.

life: it sucks right now.

well...comparatively, anyway. the upside to all this madness is that i've been shopping up a storm lately. i even got to touch a credit card again. like, for more than five minutes, even. i felt like this:

other things that make me feel like that?

1. hall & oates mashed-up with lil wayne. you're all probably going to hate it but...well, i have a soft spot for ridiculous music, okay?

2. new. books.

3. espn2 showing actual non-world cup/international matches. granted, it was manchester united vs. the mls all-stars (who, predictably, lost by three points) but still...progress. progress is being made! maybe one day i will finally be able to give up on my constant hunt for online soccer streams. if only "one day" could mean "today". i really wish i could find the liverpool game on espn, too.

4. sarah with an umlaut has a blog. she maligns short people in it. go forth and spam welcome her.

things which make me unhappy?

real estate. slave labor. oh, and the fact that i now have to return to both of them. damn joggers.

let's go for a drive, see the town tonight

today's title comes from arcade fire's suburban war. their new album finally leaked and i can't recommend it enough. the live performance is the best version of it i can find on youtube, but don't let the quality put you off - it's amazing:

so, funnily enough, today's post was almost titled "bitch i'm a let you finish in a minute", courtesy of eminem and lil wayne's no love. no, i'm not kidding. sometimes i listen to rap. don't judge me, okay? i don't see how anyone could hate a song that samples what is love. actually, just to prove my point i'll go ahead and post that song, too. it's been a while since i blogged and we need an appropriately angry soundtrack for the remainder of this post:

why an angry song? well, the answer is simple. i got into an accident today. again. and it actually wasn't my fault. but let's rewind a little since i've been absent from this little blog for a while now.

s-la's already blogged about our shopping adventure earlier this week, so i won't bother recapping that. basically i'm only mentioning it so i can post this:

isn't it horrific? i don't know why they exist. the frost-patterned jeggings, obviously, not s-la and travis-with-no-label-because-he's-too-lame-to-have-one. i feel like the very existence of those monstrosities should have been a warning: bad things will happen this week...and they did.

see, after our little shopping excursion, s-la left for her cousin's (i'm assuming it was a cousin, anyway) wedding, i ended up watching/playing with/feeding her ah-dorable animals. she blogs about schweini all the time, so i'll post a picture of dick cheney in kitty form  sugar:

see? cuteness. it even inspired me to try to spend time with my own evil animals (who've been especially horrendous this week...they ate their eighth pair of headphones. at least the new ones are pink), as shown here:

the good one

lucifer in fluffy form

so far so good, right?

...wrong.

while returning from s-la's house to play with my own furballs this morning (that's right! i drove! by myself! voluntarily!) i decided to be ambitious and pull into the garage...and you all know my driving history. this was a huge step for me.

so everything is going fine. i checked my mirrors for passers-by and cars, looked over my shoulder, prayed to jesus/allah/ratatouille/paul the octopus that nothing would go wrong, took a deep breath, and pressed down on the gas pedal.

and then some crazy evil bitch i swear to god i will get her in her sleep jogs right in front of me. as in she cut across the middle (the middle! who does that? we have sidewalks for a reason!) of my driveway to jog in front of my car as i was pulling in.

being as my foot was still on the gas pedal and all of this happened in about .0005 seconds, i did the only sensible thing i could - i swerved...into the side of my house.

don't worry, it wasn't a major accident or anything. i just clipped the corner of the garage. but look what happened:

the momster was, needless to say, not pleased. neither am i. and apparently it's all on us to pay for the damage since the pedestrian has right of way all the time.

now does everyone see the need for angry background music? yeah, i thought so.

don't worry, though. i'm pretty calm now - blame the arcade fire and ice cream i've been indulging in today.

oh, and i'm still on that poetry kick. here's today's. it was comforting:

Regret nothing. Not the cruel novels you read
to the end just to find out who killed the cook.
Not the insipid movies that made you cry in the dark,
in spite of your intelligence, your sophistication.
Not the lover you left quivering in a hotel parking lot,
the one you beat to the punchline, the door, or the one
who left you in your red dress and shoes, the ones
that crimped your toes, don't regret those.
Not the nights you called god names and cursed
your mother, sunk like a dog in the livingroom couch,
chewing your nails and crushed by loneliness.
You were meant to inhale those smoky nights
over a bottle of flat beer, to sweep stuck onion rings
across the dirty restaurant floor, to wear the frayed
coat with its loose buttons, its pockets full of struck matches.
You've walked those streets a thousand times and still
you end up here. Regret none of it, not one
of the wasted days you wanted to know nothing,
when the lights from the carnival rides
were the only stars you believed in, loving them
for their uselessness, not wanting to be saved.
You've traveled this far on the back of every mistake,
ridden in dark-eyed and morose but calm as a house
after the TV set has been pitched out the upstairs
window. Harmless as a broken ax. Emptied
of expectation. Relax. Don't bother remembering
any of it. Let's stop here, under the lit sign
on the corner, and watch all the people walk by.

- dorianne laux 

want to live in a fantasy?

surprisingly enough, my silversun pickups kick hasn't ended in the twelve or so hours since i last posted. this post's title comes from:

so right now i'm midnight munching on one of the two dishes i actually know how to make from scratch - stuffing. yep, glorified bread and seasoning is my specialty. i'm sure you're all surprised. i even got fancy and added broccoli to it. this whole quest i'm on to attain a few basic survival skills seems to be going well.

like s-la, five is my new favorite number. it's nice to see your hard work pay off, you know? or, in my case, it's nice to see my serious dedication to caffeine in all its many forms pay off. it's all the same in the end, right?

i watched the espys on espn for the first time ever. yes, i was only watching for the usmnt. and, yes, i'm aware that the link i just posted leads to stu holden's twitter (look, i'm even linking it again - just click it already) and not the usmnt's website or twitter or blog. the twitter is better, okay? it's got pictures.

i've got a highly shameful confession to make now...i'm in love with the twilight movies' soundtracks.

take a deep breath and reread that sentence. yes, i said the soundtracks. there's no need to worry for my soul/sanity/sudden loss of intelligence. look, i can even form semi-complete sentences! capital letters, sadly, are still beyond my power.

some of you might already know about my sad, sad predilection for indie-but-not-really bands. i try and try to hide it but...well, i figured now was the best time to come out about it. hopefully these two songs will sway you to the Dark Side:

i picked these two songs because they're from bands that i've previously pimped on this blog, but i've actually liked a lot of songs from these movies. just the songs, though. oh, and the unintentional humor. watching kristen stewart try to show emotion is definitely better than 99.9% of the shows on tv right now. however, i would like to recommend recasting taylor lautner and foot-face pattinson with a pair of soccer players. none of them can act, either, but at least their abs look better. feel free to make player suggestions in the comments and make them spanish because the fewer players they have for euro 2012 the more like germany is to win.

and -- oh, fine. i've tortured you with enough horrible twilight-related things. here, have another poem:

That crazed girl improvising her music.
Her poetry, dancing upon the shore,

Her soul in division from itself
Climbing, falling She knew not where,
Hiding amid the cargo of a steamship,
Her knee-cap broken, that girl I declare
A beautiful lofty thing, or a thing
Heroically lost, heroically found.

No matter what disaster occurred
She stood in desperate music wound,
Wound, wound, and she made in her triumph
Where the bales and the baskets lay
No common intelligible sound
But sang, 'O sea-starved, hungry sea.'

-- yeats

put out the need for guidance

today's title comes from growing old is getting old by silversun pickups. i'm going through one of my phases with them - i just can't stop listening. anyway, here it is:

well, i have officially left cheeseball. our parting was highly distressing. he's just so fluffy! and he gave me such a sad look when i left. i was basically like this the whole time:

on a happier note, while i was there cheeseball and i managed to explore the greater part of Decent Annapolis (aka all the neighborhoods which i wasn't specifically warned off of by cheeseball's mafia/spy owners, their neighbors, my parents, google maps, &c. &c.). it was pretty fun. and by fun i mean that i could get coffee whenever i wanted. in case you hadn't realized it by now, this is basically the embodiment of all my hopes/dreams/life goals. i know, i know - i aim high.

oh, and while i was there i learned how to use a dishwasher! well, okay, i had to call the other parent to get step-by-step instructions on how to use the dishwasher, but i still washed dishes all by myself. i felt so accomplished. and for any of you reading this and going:

well...we can't all be as horribly sensible as you are. this is actually quite worrying to me and ruined all of my plans of being a penniless poet and/or playwright in a french garret.


i went to the outlets today, too. i picked up a few things, but nothing really interesting. you know what was notable? the poor dead raccoon in the middle of the road on the way back home. it was so sad looking. why do people keep running animals over? and why doesn't someone remove them from the road? seeing was so traumatic. like, i was all "lalalala. i really need to take the momster's horrible beegees CDs out of the car. falalalal---DEAD ANIMAL. DEAD ANIMAL IN FRONT OF ME. IS IT LULU?" which is just not a good train of thought to have in a car. i have enough driving neuroses, okay?

in other news, i've been on a bit of a poetry-reading kick lately. here's my favorite from today:

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams. 

-- yeats

and, oh, i give up. i was trying and trying to keep this post soccer-free but...

we need more germans, okay?

waka waka

so this is it. no more world cup until 2014. i don't know about you, but i enjoyed it even if the dutch did play the dirtiest game of soccer i've ever seen and i'm trying not to say i told you so but i told you so. so, for one last time, it's time to spam the hell out of this blog:

to begin with, germany clearly should have won by default since this game was so full of diving, tackling, chest-kicking cheating. like this:

thankfully the ref did this:

proving that this isn't always true  just most of the time :

and even though we had this:

and this:

s-la's law of conservation of cuteness turned out to be true because...well, these are the winners:

er, wait. this is the right picture:

really, if you've taken anything away from this world cup, i hope it's this:

so...who can't wait until august 11? there's USA v. Brazil friendly in new jersey. oh and then germany plays its first eurocup qualifier on september 2. any of you interested in joining the Race for the Crappy Soccer Internet Stream?

the sky looks pissed

today's title comes from the chain by ingrid michaelson. just go to s-la's blog to listen to it - every time i visit it that song comes on and gets stuck in my head for the rest of the day. damn you, s.

anyway, i am officially temporarily gainfully employed. you might recognize my new boss:

that's right - it's cheeseball! i'm watching him until wednesday in annapolis. after a whole day of cheeseball-sitting i've come to a few one conclusions: best. job. ever.

if i could turn this into a full-time career i totally would. i'm being paid to sit around someone's house, play with a fluffyfluffy puppy, and go shopping (there are malls! and stores! and three starbucks in walking distance!). in my book, this totally counts as a win.

stephen colbert agrees.

oh, and unlike Some People, i am neither taking a break from the soccer posting nor supporting the oranje. nuh uh. see, i've been telling Some People frank and s-la all along that i hate watching the netherlands play because it was ugly/boring/weird. and i just thought it was a personal thing. but after reading this and this i feel totally validated. even the dutch aren't supporting their own team! so there. nevertheless you are still dead to me until monday, oh unnamed banana-souled one.

in other rachel news, i got dragged along to a super fancy restaurant - like a four-course-dinner-three-varieties-of-water-served-in-its-own-stone-holder type of place - with the momster yesterday since we got here early...except i was dressed in cheeseballing/lazy clothes. our waiter's bitchface was particularly impressive. thankfully the food was good enough to make up for it. well, almost. i was wearing flip flops after all.

i'm still dead tired, so i guess that's all for now. i've got to get my nap in before the game, after all. which all of you better be watching, even the traitorous flying dutchbanana.

happy birthday america

i'd post about watching the fireworks in dc/the hellhole that is the beltway, but it's late and i'm tired. ditto for why there isn't another world cup picture post waiting for you. instead, i'm just going to leave this here:

it's true and it's sad and i'm not allowed a third dog yet but in the unlikely event that any of you are looking for a new pet...well, you know what to do.

gimme hope joachim

today's title comes from this wonderful video. all of you need to watch it, okay?

to see what's been happening in my real life, see this. it's a good thing s-la is blogging again because i'm still a little lot world cup-obsessed.

as you may know, s-la and i have switched our allegiances to team germany. well, "switched" is a strong word, since technically i was supporting die nationalmannschaft longer than team usa because of the stepdad, but still...

and it's a good thing we've got the germans to fall back on, since they actually, you know, win.

like they did today!

paul the psychic octopus is feeling very smug

so, without further ado, i bring you die mannschaft's celebratory party post:

fine, this is from 2006. whatever, it still explains a lot about zie germans, okay?

they have short people! and very, very tall people! they're equal opportunity

they can fly!

and bounce!

they're really just happy people

see?

even their president chancellor is happy

in short, see you next game: