yes, morgan freeman, i agree. this doesn't make any sense.
i suppose i should splainy then (hey, if banana can make up words, so can i). as we all remember, i had very excited plans to return to school today. to that end, i woke up (early, for once, i even got meggo's seven-something-in-the-morning text but was too busy bleeding all over the bathroom to reply to it), brushed my teeth (oh, my teeth), and took a shower. to borrow from jenibean's third person blogging style, Shi(h)t(zu) Happened Like This:
7:20 - Rachel shampoos her hair.
7:21 - Rachel stops shampooing hair and takes a moment to appreciate the oh-so-delectable scent of Herbal Essence's Hello, Hyrdation shampoo. (The reader should note that this shampoo is even more wonderful than its name and scent would suggest owing to the fact that it is not one, but two whole shades of purple)
7:22 - Rachel resumes shampooing.
7:24 - Rachel gets dizzy.
7:24 and a half - Rachel thinks "Gee, this isn't good, time to get out of the shower."
7:25 or 11,320-Why-Is-The-Clock-Spinning-Like-That - Rachel hops out of the shower.
7:26 - OMG OMG OMG I CAN'T BREATHE.
7:27 - Ditto.
7:27 - AGHHHHHH.
7:28 - Rachel nosedives. Onto the bathroom's exceedingly soft tile floor. Bottom half of front tooth decides to abandon ship.
7:29 - The Momster, henceforth referred to in all communications as The Momster, begins a single-front offensive on an enemy known as Locked Bathroom Door.
7:30 - The Momster, despite being approximately a foot tall and twenty two pounds (more or less), is as her name suggests, a formidable figure of fury. The Door surrenders.
7:31 - Rachel catches sight of tooth. Uncontrollable crying ensues. The Momster calls in Emergency Dental Reserves.
And then from eight in the morning until a little after noon there ensued a truly horrifying process known by the cheerful name of Tooth Reconstruction. it involved drills, and filing, and compulsive measuring of my teeth. however, throughout this process i was allowed the use of my iPod and was able to more or less ignore the fact that my dentist (who's adorable and asian and yet has a southern accent and is always pleasantly surprised that i can pronounce her last name - nguyen - because of meggo's tagalog newspeak tutelage) was, you know, filing my front teeth into an acceptable shape and size.
i have since been assured by the momster, her assistant, and the entire dentist's office don't judge me they were my front teeth and prom is in like a month a few tooth-experts that the change isn't noticeable. actually, the momster went so far as to say they look better now than before, since i had been (past tense! my poor lost teeth!) in the possession of rather overlarge front teeth and now they're more-or-less normal sized. but she's required to say that, since she's my tiny, scary, psychotic momster. actually, so are the rest of you. i'm not even kidding. if i see you in the next few weeks, there had better not be an honest comment from any of you or i will cry. and, trust me, you don't want to see my cry. it's a messy business, all snot and flapping hands and hiccups and shrieking and things. let's all avoid it, okay?
well, except you, s-la. i'm trusting you to give me your unmitigated opinion on The Tooth Situation. and if, after careful observation, you have concluded that i'm horribly disfigured i'm retiring to my bedroom forevermore and becoming a professional hermit i'm not going to prom.
on a happier note, i discovered that i'm fully capable of texting while having my teeth drilled. also, i used my dentist-time productively by googling facts about the healthcare bill. and then i used that freebooks app jeni was going on about a little while ago to read more sherlock holmes, since my copy was still at home. oh, and the momster has tried to comfort me over my state of probable-exam-takingness by pointing out that when one is a Student In Good Standing and will be handing over no less than eight (highly bloodstained, but that couldn't be helped, i had the great misfortune of landing on my face) notes to the attendance office tomorrow, there's got to be at least one teacher willing to let me off. right? don't shatter my dreams, kids.
oh, and after some prompting, i have concluded that the development of my (dearly departed) front teeth has kept pace with hermione granger - first they were too big and then they got horrifically filed shrunk. so at least i have that to comfort me.
also comforting? these three songs, they were my favorites during the Dentist Trip of Nightmares Future:
because i do have a ton of "bruises and contusions" between Sickville #1, the Great Pancake Incident, and The Holy Union of Floor and Face:
and a classic which now rings sadly true:
